We are currently in what we call the transition phase. We have been through the diagnosis, the treatment is well and truly underway, the cancer is currently asleep and now we are in the next stage of this cancer journey and what does life look like for us.
The transition phase for us is the moment we start moving away from fear into living a mindful, spiritual life, being fully present in this moment, trusting in the universe that it will be guiding our path as we continue through this journey.
Both Rod and I have been doing some deep soul work where we have been trying to make sense of this new reality. We have been told on numerous occasions that this cancer will eventually wake up, so treatment for Rod with chemotherapy is ongoing indefinitely and this we have come to accept. We could, knowing this, choose to stay locked in fear or anger. Worrying every day if this is the day the cancer wakes up again.
The one thing the Oncologist, nor any of my research when I go down the google rabbit hole can tell us, is when it will wake up again. There is no timeline for this, so why then whould we put a timeline on our happiness, our dreams our plans for the future.
Initially when we first learnt about Rods cancer diagnosis, all I wanted to do was get him to treatment as quickly as possible, then rush to get on with our lives and fill our bucket list of unfulfilled dreams. Wow, how much pressure was I putting not only myself but on Rod? I was becoming irritated with him because he wouldn't get on board with my plans and ideas, resentful that he couldn't see through my fears or acknowledge them. If I'm completely honest and being vulnerable with you all, I went into a dark place, struggling with my own mental health to the point where my family and friends were worried about me. This is a place that I had never fully experienced before and it scared not just me but those around me, but I will talk about that in a later blog.
What these last few months of soul work has taught me, is that it is more important to be present now, own my own crap and not project that onto Rod. I recognise that Rod isn't responsible for my happiness, I am. Yes we have plans for the future. Planning and dreaming keeps us moving forward and we still need to keep moving forward. The lesson I'm learning and continue to do so is about slowing down, being happy now, in this moment. Taking the time to be grateful through the day for what I have right here in front of me. Enjoying the moments of laughter together, even through the tears. Enjoying the planning phase of our lives as much as the execution of it. Planning our trips away in the caravan. But more than anything it's taking away the deadlines, timelines and the pressure put on each other to achieve our goals. Allowing the spontaneity of life to guide us.
The transition phase I talk about now is living a soul led life in acceptance and gratitude. The only goal I have right now is to be present each and every day with both the good and the not so good days. To be grateful for the time we have together because no one knows how long that is, so why waste it in fear, anger or pain. To know that in this moment we are right where we are supposed to be.
I know many of you may be thinking, how can you be grateful for having cancer, or having a partner with cancer? But my belief is that, if we didn't know about this diagnosis, we would have gone on with our lives oblivious to just how much we still needed to learn about ourselves, each other, our relationship and what living truly means to us. Have we been dealt a crappy hand? hell yes, but we have the choice to decide how to play it. I choose to savour each smile, each hug, each sunny day, each shared moment of connection, to be grateful for the joy and love we have in our lives and to continue searching for that rainbow.
Much love ~ Christine
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