
Life is messy at the best of times and change is always uncomfortable. But when you throw a cancer diagnosis in the mix, it becomes a whirlwind of emotions. When my partner Rod was diagnosed with his rare and aggressive cancer - Cardiac Angiosarcoma, my life felt like it was spiralling out of control.
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It felt like one day I had a thriving business as a counsellor and somatic trauma therapist, and the next I was this empty shell of a person, struggling to make sense of our new reality. I knew that the life I had planned for myself and for us as a couple was about to be moved to another energetic stage.
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The thing with any change, especially energetic change, is that you must go through the messy and unstable stage. When we move from our old energetic self (the old me) to a future that is far different (the new me) there is this place in between that is uncomfortable. It’s like having a much-loved piece of clothing that no longer fits. You don’t want to throw it out because you cared for it so much, but deep down you know that you can never wear it again. There is a place in the middle where you are hoping for one day to fit back into it, so you try to hold on for as long as you can. Finally, you let go and release it either to someone else or you throw it out.
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This is the same with change. It is often in this middle stage of holding on that we can self-sabotage our goals or our old reality and try to go back, only to find we no longer fit the old version of ourselves and therefore we keep repeating the same patterns over again. Never moving forward because the future looks and feels far too scary, not knowing who we are now or what purpose our lives hold.

With myself, I know that I can’t go back to who I was previously, although I do have an idea of what the future holds for me where I can still provide support to partners through my writing and holistic therapies. But for now, I must sit in this middle messy stage, where I am grieving my past life while trying to integrate this new life into my energetic being. There is no shortcut to this process, we must all take the time to move through this slowly and purposefully, honouring every emotion and feeling as they arise. Â
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Some of the things you can do to help with this messy middle stage of change is to self-reflect and ask yourself questions such as:
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What is my body feeling right now, not my mind, my body?
Where am I holding tension in my body?
What thoughts am I having where I feel I need to move back to the old me?
What is one layer deeper I can explore with these thoughts, eg. What is this thought trying to tell me?
What am I scared of right now, that holds me back from moving forward with purpose?
What is one thing I can do right now to support myself, while I integrate this into my being? An example might be can I just sit and read, do I need to get up and move, should I catch up with a friend, go for a walk, work out etc.

Not trying to rush through this process will help you deal with the emotional overwhelm, feelings of despair and lack of purpose. Some of the things I have found helpful is to utilise somatic tools such as release, breathwork, mindful movement, EFT (Tapping) and meditation.
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Eventually one day as things start to stabilise, you realise you are slightly different, your thoughts are clearer, your body doesn’t feel as heavy, you begin to see things around you that you didn’t notice before. It is in this moment that you are shifting energetically again where you can see more clearly what your future holds.
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If you would like support or to know more about somatic therapy or to purchase a copy of my memoir – Soulful C: Living Alongside Cancer please reach out to me through the website www.soulfulc.com.au
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Much love ~ Christine

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