Living Alongside Cancer: Strengthening Relationships In Cancer's Shadow

Through this series of blogs posts, I aim to provide you with some information and tools that will hopefully support you to strengthen your relationship with your partner and loved ones through a cancer diagnosis.  As the partner of someone living alongside cancer, I know all too well how the stress and trauma can take its toll in many areas of our lives.

When my husband Rod was diagnosed with Cardiac Angiosarcoma in December 2022, my world fell apart.  Even as a professional counsellor and trauma therapist, I struggled to cope initially. Through my own journey I have learnt to navigate the rollercoaster and one thing that is extremely important is maintaining the connection we have as a couple and not let Rod’s cancer diagnosis overshadow our relationship.

Part 1: Understanding the Journey

How Cancer Changes Your Relationship

When faced with a cancer diagnosis, especially of someone you love it can throw your world into turmoil, not only for the individual diagnosed but also for you and your loved ones. The journey through treatment is filled with emotional turmoil, uncertainty, fear and stress, which may put a huge strain on relationships. However, as I have found through my own experience, it is essential to recognize that this challenge can also be a time to develop deeper connection, spiritual growth & a greater understanding of each other. By engaging in open communication and shared experiences, it can help you to navigate the complexities of the diagnosis together and emerge stronger as a couple.

One of the things I’ve heard many people speak about when it comes to relationships is the shift in dynamics.  When as a partner you take on the role of caregiver it can often create an imbalance in your relationship.  What I’ve found through our journey is that it’s vitally important to maintain your sense of partnership as a couple during this time.  Not letting the diagnosis define who you are as a couple and ensuring you think of yourself as a couple first.

While it can be difficult to have conversations about feelings, fears and hopes; these discussions can increase empathy and understanding.  Checking in with each other can help both of you feel supported, valued and heard.

Engaging in activities can also support your relationship, especially during treatment.  Doing something that can maintain your intimate connection to each other such as watching favourite movies together, going for a walk, cooking or enjoying a hobby can provide a respite from the chaos that a cancer diagnosis brings. 

For Rod and I we engage in what we call “Cancer free days”. We treat them like a date. Cancer is pushed to the back of our minds and we have a day that reminds us of the love that we share for one another.

Seeking solace and understanding, two people share a comforting moment, illustrating the power of connection and support.

The Importance of Emotional Support

A cancer diagnosis can be a lonely and isolating experience, for both the person diagnosed and the partner. Whilst there may be lots of support from family and friends, no one truly understands what it feels like for you.  This is where seeking additional support to help alleviate some of the emotional burden.  I would recommend joining a support group where you can share your journey with someone experiencing a similar one. A word of caution here, is not to engage in too many groups as this can then become overwhelming. I have one particular group that I am in and I find the support and information extremely helpful.

Reaching out for help is not a sign of weakness, instead it builds strength and resilience. In my own experience I have found after talking something through with someone not intimately involved it has helped me then go back and talk to Rod about how I’m feeling.  This then provides us both the opportunity for growth.

I once read something that really resonated with me and it was “The journey through cancer is not just about survival; it is also about thriving together.” I hold onto this belief and know that through this we can weather the storm together.

A woman sits on a tranquil beach, pen in hand, journaling her thoughts for self-reflection as the waves gently lap the shore.

Honouring Your Own Feelings

Recognizing and honouring your own feelings is such an important part of this journey. As partners you can experience a rollercoaster of emotions.  Fear, sadness, anger, frustration and helplessness are all part of the journey and completely normal.  Acknowledging these emotions without shame or guilt is essential and I spend a great deal of time in reflection processing them. Having this self-awareness helps me to then communicate what I’m feeling with Rod or at least help me to manage my responses more appropriately. Whilst I don’t get it right all the time with my responses, understanding my feelings certainly helps me when I have to explain to Rod what just happened in our exchange.

How I do this is to set aside some time each day to journal, writing my feelings down helps me to get them out of my head and look at them from a distance.  Often, I’ve looked back in my journal and realised just how far I’ve come not only as an individual but as a partner. I write about it all, the good and the not so good.  I’m the first to admit there’s been a lot negative stuff I’ve written in my journal and that’s just part of the process.  The good thing about your journal is it’s yours and yours alone.  No one else has to read it.

Open communication with your partner is essential to maintaining the connection.  Creating space for each of you to share what is happening and encouraging both to express vulnerabilities and feelings. Feeling heard and seen by your partner demonstrates that you are in this together no matter the road ahead and I talk about that more in the next part.

Finally recognising your own feelings is not just about understanding yourself it’s a way to build resilience and form a deeper connection with your partner.

In Part 2 of Living Alongside Cancer: Strengthening Relationships in Cancer’s Shadow I will share with you how to have that open communication, listening techniques and navigating difficult conversations with your partner.

In the meantime, I wish you much love ~ Christine